Dear Bad Bridesmaid,

Even though my friend has three wedding registries, she’s told all of her bridesmaids that what she really wants is cash, and she’s made sure to let us know exactly how much she expects per couple. She registered for very expensive items which she plans to return for others that cost half as much, and pocket the difference—but she said us giving her cash will save her the time of returning everything to get what she really wants. I think this is so tacky I can barely wrap my brain around it. Should I give in and write a check, or buy off the registry to spite her?

Signed,
Pricey Presents

Dear PP,

Why, it seems you’ve neglected Secret Option C: pretend you bought her a gift and somehow it got lost in the mail. Let the patient and well-paid folks at Neiman Marcus customer service be on the losing end of her insatiable thirst for flatware. Either that or make a donation to charity in her name. Nothing shuts a girl up like a good dose of guilt.

XO,
BB

Dear Bad Bridesmaid,

My best friend asked me and three other close friends to be bridesmaids at her wedding, but today she un-invited us because she said her Mother-in-law told her that bridesmaids should come from family only which means using her fiance’s two sisters instead. She barely knows them (they live far away) and it’s hard to believe they would want to perform all the wedding-related jobs for her that bridesmaids usually take care of. I’m hurt that my friend is bowing down to her Mother-in-law like this, but I’m afraid to tell her the truth because I don’t want to make things more complicated for her. Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Almost a Bridesmaid

Dear AB,

Yes. Consider yourself lucky and keep your mouth shut.

XO,
BB

Dear Bad Bridesmaid,

My best friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor, but she doesn't actually want my help. I tried to give her ideas for the shower and she wouldn't listen, and I offered to organize the bachelorette party (I thought this was my job!), but she wouldn't let me do anything. Now, she's mad at me and says I've been a terrible MOH and I better "make it up to her" before the wedding. What am I supposed to do? The wedding is in two weeks.

Signed,
Maid of Dishonor

Dear MOD,
After years of research, I've come to the conclusion that the only thing separating Good Bridesmaids from Bad ones is a simple matter of punctuation. Good Bridesmaids end every sentence with an exclamation point. Bad Bridesmaids end every sentence with a question mark. Allow me to demonstrate: "Oh my god! Is that your dress!" versus "Oh my god. Is that your dress?"

See? I mean, See! There is a fine line between sarcasm and excitement. And that thin line has a dot underneath it. So may I suggest that for the next two weeks you inject your conversations with The Bride with as many exclamation points as possible without gagging on your own bullshit. That way you still won't have done anything, but she'll think you're, like, totally supportive. Either that or she'll think you've gone completely insane and leave you the hell alone. It's a win-win!

XO,
BB

Dear Bad Bridesmaid,

I'm in a wedding party with six other girls and we've been asked to wear this terrible dress that can only be described as pus-colored. And, it costs $325, without alterations! I don't know what to do--should I tell my friend I really can't be in her wedding after all? There's no way I can afford to spend this much money on a dress that will make me look like an oozing boil walking down the aisle.

Signed,
Festering Maid

Dear FM,
The only way to handle this is a pre-emptive strike. Begin by secretly emailing a photo of the dress to www.uglydress.com. Get a stranger to model it for the pic; that way The Bride will think some other disgruntled bridal party posted it on line. Once it's up there, visitors are bound to start letting the snarky captions fly. If they don't, feel free to create a fake handle and take a few shots at it yourself. The key to making this work is letting someone else from the bridal party find the site. Subtly reference it in your next conversation with another bridesmaid and chances are she'll log on first thing in the morning. Once she finds the dress it's only a matter of time before the link makes its way to The Bride's inbox (10 days, max) and after she gets out of the psych ward having recovered from a full mental breakdown she'll find you ladies a new dress. Or better yet, she'll be so shell-shocked she'll let you choose your own. That's the power of the Internet, baby.

XO,
BB

Dear Bad Bridesmaid,

My best friend asked me and three other close friends to be bridesmaids at her wedding, but today she un-invited us because she said her Mother-in-law told her that bridesmaids should come from family only--which means using her fiance's two sisters instead. She barely knows them (they live far away) and it's hard to believe they would want to perform all the wedding-related jobs for her that bridesmaids usually take care of. I'm hurt that my friend is bowing down to her Mother-in-law like this, but I'm afraid to tell her the truth because I don't want to make things more complicated for her. Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Almost a Bridesmaid


Dear AB,
Yes. Consider yourself lucky and keep your mouth shut.

XO,
BB